Kenyan Madness Abroad

Will this turn out to be the elusive outlet for me to unleash my creative genius on an unsuspecting world? Or is it destined to be nothing more than a hi-tech pen and pad chronicling the ramblings of a delusional mind? You be the judge ... Just so ya know there's a disclaimer: This blog contains strong language and some adult situations. Viewer discretion is advised.

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Location: United States

Cultural, expressive, thoughtful dude. It's not all good though coz I am also an internet addict, and a sometime stalker too. But I am happy to say I am in therapy for the internet thing :)

Wednesday, October 3

Dubai Debacle

Last winter I decided to escape the brutal cold and hop onto a plane to visit my cousin Stevo who was working at a hotel in Dubai as a chef. He had been there for three years and knew his way around this part of the Emirates so I was eagerly anticipating that he would show me the magnificent city and take me to all the exotic looking places that I see in email forwards.

Little did I know his work visa had expired and he and his chile, who also worked in the same hotel at the front desk, were in the country illegally. In Dubai, this is a very serious crime and if caught, they could both be thrown in jail.

Because of this little quagmire, we traveled mostly at night under the cover of darkness. Additionally, to prevent the authorities from stopping us and asking questions about his status in the country, (and I say this with head bowed in shame whilst tracing an imaginary circle with my big toe), Stevo made us wear buibuis covering us from head to toe whenever we stepped outside. Apparently women in buibuis are revered and do not get harassed. As I draped my buibui over my head and shoulders, I grumbled under my breath but couldnt help but marvel at how ingenious and adroit he was to be taking advantage of a loophole in the law like this. Only Kenyans!

So here we were; two jamaas walking around downtown Dubai taking pictures of the Burj Dubai, Dubai Marina, The Palm etc and shopping at the Ibn Battuta mall in 50 degree heat (it was hot at night too) in our buibuis. For added measure, Stevo's girlfriend had taken the liberty to manicure and pedicure our hands and feet with the expectation of being rewarded with spicy lamb shishkebabs from Ali's Halal around the corner.

Unfortunately I wasn't as comfortable as he was draped in this material and every now and then would stop to either scratch my ankle or relieve myself of a wedgie. Something about this did not seem right to a security guard at the mall who blew his whistle and pointed at us yelling in Arabic, "Shagala bagala haaak ptuuu!" ... ahem... or something like that.

That was Stevo's cue and he did not need to hear a second "Shagala Bagala". He grabbed the lower buibui in one hand and in the other he clutched his shopping bag, yelled to me in a soprano-like shriek "Egry besoraa!" (run! run!), and took off into the darkness in the direction of a distant grove of palm trees. I did not know why he was still insisting on speaking in a feminine tone as clearly the gig was up but I did exactly as told and hauled ass after him.

I could hardly make out his fleeing figure in the pitch darkness so I followed the sounds of the dirhams jingling in his pocket and the little dust clouds his feet kicked up as he tore through the Arabian sands. At this point I was beginning to wonder just what the heck was I doing here swathed in a Muslim woman's regalia and running for dear life towards the desert? Stevo had by now dove into a thicket in the palm grove and I dashed into the same thicket sweating mightily, only to be cursed out "Inta fahamt! Moush kedah! Get lost you will make us get caught! Go get your own tree to hide! Walahi!" I obediently hastened off to the next clump of trees.

The security guards were hot on our trail and were now joined by a platoon of police officers. This was bad. I lay down on the ground prostrate and as still as possible as the sounds of our pursuers came closer and closer. Moments later I heard a commotion in the trees where Stevo was in hiding accompanied by very animated yelling from the police and the guards. Oh no! Stevo was caught! No longer was he speaking in broken soprano-ish Arabic. The real ndurus were now emerging; you know the "wuuuuui's" and the "wooooiiiii sio mimi's". This was followed by the crack of a whip and a yelp. I don't know about you but in moments like this, I suddenly and inexplicably remember there is a Maker up above that loves me and wants to see me grow old and bounce my grandchildren on my lap. I commenced to say a prayer in my head. I prayed they would lead Stevo off in one piece and I could find my way back to the apartment where I would tell his girlfriend what had happened and together we would go look for him at the Dubai Central jail and ...

... my supplication was interrupted as they led a handcuffed Stevo right by where I lay in hiding. They were celebrating their capture and thankfully they seemed to have forgotten there had been two buibui clad men. Through my slightly opened eye, I saw that they were no more than a few footsteps away! My pulse was racing at 100mph but hardly a breath of air escaped my oesophagus. Just as they passed by, Stevo stopped, turned towards me and said "Dammit! They got us B.K. men ... you can come out now..."




44 Comments:

Anonymous makanga said...

Just wanted to say count me in as a regular up in hia.

5:11 PM  
Blogger Sleek Rick said...

Good stuff...and I appreciate the comment. New one up there by the way

5:00 PM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

thanks for passing by mine. Seeing that its cold and dreary in nairobi, thanks you made me laugh and warm. Off to archives and be back for more. You write so well.

1:58 AM  
Anonymous modo enjoying the madness said...

haahaha...quite hilarious. azanda kwa kujitokeza kwa couch yangu...na huku tutaendelea kutembea. nice writing indeed.

so, is that a picture of the both of you?

3:20 AM  
Anonymous pilato said...

Walahi hii ni Kitu safi kabisa..next time vaa kanzu unless you want to be called Zainabu kwa streets...I chose to come and stay here..bring more vituz

4:47 AM  
Blogger BlackKnutz said...

@Makanga - Werrocom blather! (Read archives to understand this)
@Sleeck Rick - I will be checking it out, ahsante
@Gishungwa - I have dusted off the archives so there is nothing unbecoming for the lady's eyes lol
@modo - err ... yeah ... sure that's us in the pic; does it give my storo credibility? hehe
@Pilato - Kanzu only covers from the shoulders down; we needed to cover EVERYTHING! More vituz coming ...

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Mutumia said...

No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! This is the funniest story I have read in Blogland in forever!!! OK.. I'ma be chuckling about it for a long minute now. "Shagala bagala haaak ptuuu" indeed.
*smh*

2:59 PM  
Anonymous m said...

LOOL! Mzee, this has just made my day! You need new friends. Stevo is clearly a doofus!

9:47 AM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

lol I'm in tears!

4:20 PM  
Blogger Udi said...

LMAO. Dude you need prayers.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Acolyte said...

That is one of the best posts I have read in a long long time! Classic stuff mzee!

4:27 PM  
Anonymous BCW said...

Not to be read in the office. Now I need to explain myself. Hilarious post..

2:18 AM  
Blogger gishungwa said...

am done. Please update my F5 is fading. Be back to check on you. the archives were great love the mbuzi story and stevo is in my prayers.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Gay Nairobi Man said...

Hmmmm,

Now where has this blog been? Very funny..

5:16 PM  
Anonymous Ni2 said...

ROTFLMAO! Hillariuos stuff! Thanks.

3:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know you're a busy man-about-town, but you need to post more ASAP...c'mon, what's it going to take? No pressure......

3:16 PM  
Blogger 3N said...

great post, LMAO vibaya sana.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Majonzi said...

hilarious!! wow, the ingenuity.. like you said only a Kenyan ;)

5:27 PM  
Anonymous Aleki said...

you are a genius bwana. ive been circulating this blog in the U.K. keep them coming. BTW how long have you been blogging? by the dates on here, it seems you started in 2002!

9:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post always makes my day ...Dubai Debacle. I keep waiting for a new update but bilas its how? I love the blog keep it coming!!

3:34 PM  
Blogger BlackKnutz said...

Hey guys n gals thanks for all your compliments. I have been swamped by things going on in my life outside of blogland. Not to worry I have something coming up soon. It's still brewing in my head but watch this space! :) BK

10:23 PM  
Anonymous pinkmemoirs said...

I landed here via caustic blonde, and I must say that is the funniest post I have ever read!!! What had you worn as footwear?I have laughed so hard mpaka guys in the office are wondering whats up!

8:58 AM  
Blogger Mwangi said...

For like fifteen minutes, as I read this I was full attention bwana. So.....what happened next?

10:01 AM  
Blogger Nubian Queen said...

LOOOOOOOOOL i didnt know bloggin was this fun/ Def new here and will be back walahi bilahi

12:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol

5:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmm

2:36 PM  
Anonymous PKW said...

Arrived from KBW, and dude, haven't you got me laughing out loud ofisini! Zile za mpaka I'm bending over and people are asking what's up PKW? Please post more often.

8:34 AM  
Blogger ~M~ said...

THAT was very amusing.
Thanks for the laugh.
m~

11:23 AM  
Blogger savvy said...

This is the first time am reading this and it's hillarious! Wacha I go read the other posts!

4:09 AM  
Blogger lushitokiku said...

wawawa...sinimecheka.....really good stuff

7:50 AM  
Anonymous Moses said...

Wawa! this is real story man, I luv it. Mkenya ni mkenya tu!

11:04 AM  
Blogger 許百美 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

5:26 AM  
OpenID qilma said...

omg omg omg too funny. yaani u agreed to dress up in buibuis?? suaaaaaaally! ati hagala bagala. too funny. aki nimecheka.

9:47 PM  
Anonymous Miss Random said...

Where has this blog been or rather where have I been? Enyewe am hooked. I've lol'd mad! Kindly finish this storo for us

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oH MY RIBS!!!!

first time on here...hooked already.loved it

3:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi, good site very much appreciatted

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Dorinsky said...

abrrrrrrrrrrrakadabraaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!Inta fahamt! Moush kedah! Get lost you will make us get caught! Go get your own tree to hide! Walahi!"
eeeeeih!!!!kenyans tuko mbele kuruka!!!

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Iggy said...

OMG that was such a great morning laugh. Indeed, you have to post some more; you left us hanging! You definitely have a talent. I have to share this :)!

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Manze hii ni mushkila kweli

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Manze hii ni mushkila kweli

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a good one it has made my evening

1:09 PM  
OpenID blkbeaute said...

What a crazy adventure! What happened next?

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

walahi, this is funny. aki I thought I was reading bout two women. Anyway, hiyo mti hamuwezi kushare. yenyewew waKenya hunichekesha mara mob lakini bado nawapenda cause ni wetu tu. he, that was a good laugh aki.

12:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously some of the best blog reading that I've done in a while. You should definitely continue to post more stuff on your blog.

3:28 PM  

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