Kenyan Madness Abroad

Will this turn out to be the elusive outlet for me to unleash my creative genius on an unsuspecting world? Or is it destined to be nothing more than a hi-tech pen and pad chronicling the ramblings of a delusional mind? You be the judge ... Just so ya know there's a disclaimer: This blog contains strong language and some adult situations. Viewer discretion is advised.

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Cultural, expressive, thoughtful dude. It's not all good though coz I am also an internet addict, and a sometime stalker too. But I am happy to say I am in therapy for the internet thing :)

Tuesday, October 2

Moi Day courtesy of Dolly

I won't say my boy Joram lives in the bunduz but when we went to chill out at his crib on Colombus Day (we chose to celebrate it as Moi Day), we drove past kadhaa signs by the road saying "Goats 4 Sale" and "Merinos 4 ur Merriment". No wonder he was always beating around the bush (literally!) and wouldnt say where he lived when asked. That is, until today. It was one of those places you drove to until you got a backache and small drops of jasho trickled into your ass crack. When we asked him for the directions, they came peppered with landmarks ati "Uki-exit turnpike, u-come, u-come, u-come mpaka uone miti mbili kubwa karibu na Walmart. Ukishapita hiyo miti, anza ku-slow down alafu uchape rait ukiona mawe kwa barabara inakaa kaa nguruwe..." Whatever happened to road signs? Roba who I had ridden with turned to me those ones of ... wtf is going on with our boy? Why is he acting so shao? I shrugged "I dunno".

So finally we get to the place right and we are just chilling having a pint. The Cowboys were playing the Eagles and it was a hyped game. T.O. vs McNabb! This was must-see tv right there. Manze the next thing we hear is the sound of bleating from one of the rooms. "Meehhhh!" The hair on my neck stands up like the magnetic shavings exposed to ermm ... another magnet. Roba spills his beer on himself and jumps up with eyes like he had seen a one-legged ghost. "What the bloody hell was that????"

Joram laughs shyly "Eheeehehe ... that's nothing ... seriously ... chill just watch the game". Watch the game? How can we watch the game when there is something that sounds very much like an animal somewhere in the crib? Again - "Meehhhh!"

"Have anaa round; I'll be back in a minute" Jerome says and semi-jogs to the guest room. (Oh thats another thing - no one really knew whether he was called Joram or Jerome. He answered to both). Roba and I are just in shocked silence for a minute before curiosity gets the better of us. We followed Jerome to the bedroom and you could have bowled me over with a feather; there was a goat in the room with one leg tied to the bedpost chewing some maize stalks and leaves! And there was our buddy Joram adding some more maize stalks for the goat to eat. As we were mentally processing this scene, Jerome is there with an embarrased look on his face ati "My neighbor Mrs. Robinson left me her goat Dolly for babysitting while she is visiting her son in Florida ..."

Now this right here was the funniest thing I had heard damn near all year (remember this is October) and I fell to the floor laughing in tears. Ati babysitting a goat? Whoever heard of such a ridiculous thing?! I mean one of my first jobs was at a local Shoprite Supermarket and during my lunchbreak, I would hurry off to what I called my "second job" - feeding the parrot of a local family that was away on vacation. Americans are very serious when it comes to their pets. Entire supermarket aisles are dedicated to dog, cat, fish, and bird food and toys. I had picked up the ad from the bulletin board at the supermarket and knew this was easy beans (no pun intended). After feeding the parrot some birdseed and changing the newspaper in the cage, I returned right back to my "first job". Don't laugh - that "Does Polly want some crackers?" shit paid for my cable bill. Lakini this right here? This was taking the pet thing to another whole other level. As I stumbled to my feet wiping the tears from my eyes, sure enough the goat had a tag on it's neck with the name "Dolly" emblazoned on it.

By now a few other jamaas were pulling into the driveway bebaring 12 packs of beer and a few mzingas (Yohana Mtembezi and the like). Roba ran out to meet them telling them "Manze you gotta check this shit out. Joram has become a mshamba, wawawa" while clenching his fist infront of his mouth like they way you cover up a cough. The jamaas put the beers down and went to see Dolly the goat and Joram the mshamba. Joram was embarrassed as hell but was trying to put up a brave front. "You guy what would you do? The lady invites me to Thanksgiving, I owe her one...".

Now a funny thing about Kenyans is when they gather at a place for beer and sports, there has to be nyam chom ama your joint wasn't popping. I once hosted a Superbowl party and set some crackers and cheese, carrots and dip, chips and salsa on the table and they were looking at me with blank stares like I had two heads popping out of my neck. "Saa hizi mboga ni za? Bana acha mchezo, iko wapi nyama?" Another time, my pal Timo was changing the cd in his Lincoln Towncar that he drove as a limo and hit a deer that dashed across the road. The poor animal was lying there dead as he got out of his car cursing; "What the fwaaack is this bloody nyangau animal doing on the motherfwaaackin' highway???". Then after inspecting the front grill, "Oh phewks, not that much damage at least". He was about to get back into the car and drive off when he noticed it had been a healthy looking animal, and well-fed too. "Hmmm ... it dint die a long time ago". A rope was quickly unleashed from the trunk of his car and the deer was hoisted onto the hood for the mile and a half trip to his refrigerator. KENYANS LOVE THEIR MEAT (domesticated or wild)!

Back at Joram's house, the peeps now started to whisper in low tones and one of them pulled Joram aside to clue him in. Whatever he was told elicited the following response; "No, no, no way man, we can't do that! Dolly is not mine, she's a pet!" A few shots later, and after being egged on by these carnivorous chaps, Joram was singing a different tune. "Bring it on - nyama ni nyama"! Within minutes Dolly was in the bathroom bleating to high heaven with five or six Kenyans around the tub pulling a leg, holding a tail or a horn. No one really knew what they were doing but I think the ancestors of the forests had taken over. One of the guys, Kevo, took a knife and not to be too graphic, put Dolly's maize stalk chewing days to an end. Had the people of PETA seen this sight, we would all be sharing a cell with Michael Vick. Animals (yes, and that includes goats too, Kenyans) need to be treated humanely and be chinjwad at a reputable place by a licensed professional. There was nothing professional about the blood splattered G-Unit jeans and Sean John t-shirt clad beshtes shoving for elbow room around the bath tub.

After congratulatory hi-5s were passed all around, the roasters in the crew now took over. This was one role that had no shortage of skills. If there is one thing these East African transplants know how to do well is barbeque. They will hear there is a barbeque going on in Alabama and people will drive all the way from Atlanta, 6 people to a car, muffler bouncing off the asphalt. By half-time, (yes there still was a football game to be watched) there was an assortment of sausages, matumbo, ribs and thighs to be selected from. Moi Day was officially on! The beer was flowing and I don't think anyone even knew what the score was but we were having a damn good time. Roba was licking his fingers saying "Asalala! kanyama kamepanda kiasi!"

The doorbell rang and this was no surprise as some of our fellow countrymen are known to show up for a kid's birthday party at midnight. You open the door to find them wiping off their shoes on the doormat saying "Are we too late?" The "we" are the three or four smiling, uninvited people standing behind him that you have never seen in your life. No time is too late; just make sure each person shows up with a six pack and you are in. Infact the host will look at the beer and grab it while saying "Come in" without taking his eyes off it. The guests are left wondering if they are also invited ama just the barley is.

Joram was now high as a kite. He had a keroro in one hand and a thigh bone in the other. There was oil on his face from the fatty meat as he ambled over to answer the door while cheerleading "Nyama, nyama, nyama! nyama, nyama, nyama! Ya kuku? Ya nyoka? Ya Dolly?" He opened the door and Mrs. Robinson was standing there. "Oh hello Joram, sorry to bother you so late but my trip to Florida was cut short because of the hurricane. I am here for Dolly, how is she? I see you have some friends over, are you having a party?"




10 Comments:

Blogger gishungwa said...

LMAO. These Kenyans you sure to find then invited or otherwise where booze and nyama abounds.Kichinjio real quick LOL .
Yohanna mtembezi LOL

10:52 AM  
Anonymous modo hungry for nyamchom now said...

ROTFFFLMSBAOAIT!

dude that's some funny shait! joram/jerome/ndugu jero sounds very much like my boy marto. i think if they met dunia would nuclearize (sic) itself.

i really wonder how he explained himself. coz i know kenyans, quick to party and quick to bounce especially when thing have heated up...

deadly!

12:38 PM  
Anonymous modo said...

dolly, golly!

12:39 PM  
Blogger BlackKnutz said...

@Gishungwa you really can't beat Kenyans for partaying, can u? lol

@Modo thanks lakini I googled "ROTFFFLMSBAOAIT" and couldnt find it - ebu fafanua??? hehe

10:00 AM  
Blogger Farmgal said...

lol! You guys ate a pet! nyama nyama nyama indeed!

5:05 PM  
Anonymous kip said...

you guy how comes ive never been here!! you got jokes daddy,lol ebu let me soma your archives . iko kitu ,,

10:54 PM  
Blogger Acolyte said...

Classic stuff! Those peeps were now in literal beef!

4:33 PM  
Anonymous aegeus said...

hehehehe!!! ati who ate dolly? Tihiii!! boy oh boy!! I shall be back for more...the dubai escapades, deadly, great stuff this....

9:09 AM  
Blogger 3N said...

that is one crazy storo. would I have loved to see the neighbor's face when they learned its dolly tasting so good.

1:04 PM  
Blogger Mwangi said...

The difference between loyalty na nyama is very then isn't it:)

10:07 AM  

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